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Archive for February 3rd, 2011

Second Guessing

It’s almost 2 in the morning and I can’t get to sleep…so here I am =)?  This entry may or may not turn into random ramblings.

I read an inspiring article today that can be found here

I especially liked points 3, 11, 14, 15, 17, 19, 20:

3. Try to make a gratitude list each day. Include big things and little things. Invite your friends to make their own lists; you can all email one another each day, sharing your gratitude.

11. If you are in a room with someone you don’t know, introduce yourself right away. It takes away the social discomfort immediately.

14. Go vegetarian. Animals raised and slaughtered for food suffer immeasurably. Visit GoVeg.com for a free vegetarian starter kit.

15. Do your best to think good thoughts. They affect your health, happiness, and the people around you.

17. Practice accepting compliments. The person complimenting you is giving you a gift. Receive it graciously, even if it is difficult.

19. Forgive those who have wronged you. Holding onto anger and resentment poisons your body and your life. There are no benefits in staying mad. Let go. It’s okay.

20. Forgive yourself. It’s okay to be imperfect and to have made mistakes. Try to do better, that’s all.

I really don’t know how I feel about the suggestion to pee in shower.

 

In the past few days I’ve noticed that my anxiety is really all over the place. I think I caught myself today, though. I’ve been doing pretty well with my Northeastern classes and today as I was getting my work done, I started feeling guilty about the good grades I’m getting. I have yet to get below a 90 on anything (until today, will get to the point), and it had me thinking…is the work too easy (even though I’m putting in hours of studying)? Is it okay to be taking my classes online (although I have researched this degree and classes and decided it is)? Am I working as hard as any other college student? How do I have a 97 average in Public Health?

The quiz I took today was open note, and I was feeling guilty for taking an open note quiz, which is stupid, because there are professors that give students open note finals at Rutgers. And so, as I hit the complete button and turned in my quiz, I was hit with a score of 80, and my average for the course dropped down to a 92. I knew all of the answers. I read some of the questions incorrectly, and didn’t check over my quiz like I usually do. All because I was so busy second guessing myself. Way to go, Aim.

To add, today I found out that a good friend of mine, who recently graduated and took off to teach English in Egypt, is still in Egypt. I’ve been following the headlines with my dad who is a wealth of knowledge when it comes to anything in the news, and when I told him he completely shut down. My dad is the type of person that wants nothing but success for his kids, and when he hears about people my age doing great things he struggles a lot with accepting it. “You kids are falling behind” is his favorite comment to throw out there, along with a very serious and depressed expression on his face, and I momentarily forgot that when I told him about my friend’s whereabouts. This time, however, he didn’t say anything and I could see that same expression. He had nothing to say and no questions to ask about my friend Eric. Insert stupid anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy. Given what I’m working through right now, I don’t see myself traveling anytime soon. My good friend Lindsey texted me this week and asked me if I wanted to spend the summer in India with her, a friend of our’s mother is going to be hosting some classes there, and though the opportunity sounds beyond amazing, I’m just not in good shape to take advantage of it. And I’m sorry. But I’m not. But I’m working on things. And I totally want to travel someday and see things and experience things and learn things…

I hate that all this happened and even as I type right now I’m trying to work through it. I just don’t think that I want to leave any room to second guess myself. Despite everything that’s been going on with me, I don’t want to feel bad about anything. The past is gone and it can’t hurt me today, and I’m blessed with a lot of good things right now, even if I’m not quite living my life to the fullest. I so appreciate being in school, taking my classes through a great school like Northeastern, as well as being challenged and rising up to the challenge of these courses. I am earning my grades in these courses. And I love that I still have dreams. I really want to work on learning guitar so that I can keep singing and keep music in my life. And I think that this blog could totally be a great tool for me. And my hair is totally getting better and I’ve got a pretty good idea of how a change in my diet can start helping me feel and look better. I want to wake up and think about my day and realize that I have important, challenging, and fun things ahead of me. And I don’t want to disrespect myself by thinking that none of it is good enough. Because it is. And all of what I’m going through now will help me create a life that makes me happy. And lately I’ve been feeling like I really understand that.

And that’s all there is to it…so I think I can get to bed now. “The journey of a million miles starts with a single step”, no?

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