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Archive for March 5th, 2011

Never Say Never

I was expecting to come back to the blog and post more of my eats, but this past week turned out to be very meditative for me. I found out last week that my health insurance has changed and my therapist is no longer part of our network, which means that if I want to continue to see her I will have to pay the full amount for our sessions. I’ve been able to attend therapy at a total bargain with insurance, paying about six or seven dollars per session. Without insurance, her fee is $125 per hour, not exactly affordable.

So, not knowing how things were going to work out, I spent the past week in a sort of ‘meditative state,’ kind of keeping to myself as I assessed where I am now, how far I’ve come, what has changed, and how I’d like to see myself moving forward. When I went in for my session yesterday afternoon, I was able to have a really productive session. I started by talking about an outing that I had with my parents last week. My brothers weren’t available to come out to eat with us, so it turned out to be just my parents and I. My siblings have always been my buffer when it comes to family outings with our parents, but this time there was nothing separating me from their vibes–they don’t have a good relationship, which makes them unable to work together as a parental unit, which is really never much fun to be around. Don’t get me wrong, I love them for doing what they can for me, they do well providing me with some things I need, but I definitely had a moment at that dinner where I sensed that I am essentially raising myself. This is all very deep and personal, but one thing I know for sure is that I have been raising myself for most of my life. It’s not an easy thing to do, and having the opportunity to do some powerful work in therapy has been priceless for me, because it gave me an opportunity to have a helpful adult in my life to talk to and help me tap into certain qualities that can help me do a better job of this in the future. As a direct result of therapy, I can say that I am now a more resourceful and purposeful person, more open to learning, and more loving, all qualities that I can already feel are allowing me to set out and sort of ‘recreate’ myself.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to my therapy sessions, there’s a negotiating process going on right now, but overall I can firmly say that they have truly helped me.

On a slightly different note, on Friday afternoon I also went out and saw Justin Bieber’s “Never Say Never” movie. I know what you’re likely thinking, but I promise, it was great! It was more of a documentary, and I loved it. What can I say? I laughed, I cried, I sang… the kid works hard and what I loved even more was his natural talent, charisma, and genuine spirit. He’s a sweet and humble person, and I was inspired.  I’ve been vibing to his music all day today, and it’s got me looking forward to the life that I can have as a reward for turning my experience with depression into an opportunity to grow and better myself. I know there’s a reason that I’ve had to battle this illness, and I think that I’m coming close to being able to say that I am happy in the present. Getting up each morning is sort of turning into a personal growth project for me, and it’s all a bit exciting.

In the meantime, I’ve got some weekly exams to finish up, so I’ll be back soon to follow up on some eats and things.

 

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